[Editor's note:  Here are some jokes from some friends in Chicago--even funnier than the Illinois governor!]
 
 
THE CHICAGO BEARS:
 
The Chicago Police are really cracking down on speeders heading into Chicago.
 For the first offense, they give you two Bears tickets.

If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the
Super Bowl?

A.. The Chicago Bears.

 

Q. What do the Chicago Bears and Billy Graham have
in common?

A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell
‘Jesus Christ‘.

Q. How do you keep the Chicago Bears out of your
yard?

A. Put up a goal post.

Q. Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado?

A. To Soldiers Field – they never have a touchdown
there!

Q. What’s the difference between the Chicago Bears and a dollar bill?

A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

 

Q. What do the Chicago Bears and a possums have in
common?

A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

 
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[Editor's note:  Here is a series of jokes that I can really identify with!]
 
An elderly gentleman…
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said , ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied , ‘Oh , I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will
three times!’
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim , I’m 83 years
old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age.
Howdo you feel?’

Slim says , ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair , no teeth , and I think I just wet my pants.’
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house , and after eating ,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking , and one said , ‘Last night we went out to
a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly.’
The other man said , ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said , ‘ What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love?
You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes , that’s the one , ‘ replied the man. He then turned towards
the kitchen and yelled , ‘Rose , what’s the name of that restaurant we went
to last night?’
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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However , while working as a student nurse , I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet , who
insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know , ‘ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup , the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay , but
they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night , while watching TV , the old man gets up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’
she asks.
‘No , I can remember it.’
‘Well , I’d like some strawberries on top , too. Maybe you should write
it down , so’s not to forget it?’
He says , ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, so do you think
you should write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated , he says , ‘I don’t need to write it down , I can remember
it!  Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it , for goodness
sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,  the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
 
She stares at the plate for a moment.  ‘ Where’s my toast ?’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman , is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw , she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’

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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says , ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says , ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says , ‘So am I.  Let’s go get a beer.’

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A man was telling his neighbor ,

‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars , but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’
‘Really , ‘ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morris , an 82 year-old man , went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later , the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later , the doctor spoke to Morris and said , ‘You’re
really doing great , aren’t you?’
Morris replied , ‘Just doing what you said , Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.”
The doctor said , ‘I didn’t say that. I said , ‘You’ve got a heart murmur;
be careful.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.  After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’  he replied , ‘Arthritis.’